Honesty Policy

Honesty Policy

Honesty is a curious facet of human nature. Being honest with ourselves is possibly one of the hardest steps into adulthood we make. Some people never manage to get to the point in their lives where they can objectively look at their goals, behaviors, social interactions and expectations. Some people learn this skill from a very early age. For me, learning to know my own limitations and carve out something which I know and feel to be a true representation of who I am, which I can both trust and rely upon was an advancement which only came about fairly recently. Being Honest with yourself can be daunting, brutal and at times a little soul destroying. But the rewards and benefits of not knowingly deceiving oneself far out way the pitfalls.

If I am honest with myself it makes it a lot easier for me to be honest with everybody else. Everybody else’s expectations of me fundamentally hinge on their perceptions of how I interact with my own environment. If I set myself unrealistic goals then, these may not be obvious to me but from an external perspective, not only can I be seen to be setting myself up to fail, but also will cloud others judgment on how I understand my own limitations. But what is it that limits us? Is it money? Ambition? Education? Time? Creative vision? Motivation? Confidence? Willingness to take risk? All of these things are within our control and are things we can either change or learn to manage more effectively.

Money. This is something which is on the minds of many of us at the moment. Times are hard indeed. Jobs are scarce. Prices are rising and especially here in Europe, there is a feeling of impending economic disaster. How honest are the governments, banks and financial institutions actually being with us. So many of us, including myself, are in some level of debt. Cashflow therefore becomes something of great importance and just keeping our heads above water is a struggle for a lot. But in reality, just how bad really is it. We are still addicted to the capitalist idea that consumption is the most desirable statement of our own prosperity. So, decisions have to be made. Do I really need to upgrade my phone? Do I really have to pay my bills this month? Is it necessary to buy those Butt Plugs I have had my eye on or get some custom fitted leather chaps? Most of the stuff we do actually buy feels like a manufactured want instead of a genuine requirement. I feel that I have come out of a phase of buying into what the commercial market wants me to buy and only aspire to get the things that I actually want and need. Frivolous spending habits are indeed an indulgence of the past. Being honest with myself about what I want, need and require to move forward with a lifestyle that suits my current needs has been a very big step for me, but I am seeing it as a evolutionary function: If I don’t evolve my spending habits then financial extinction is going to be the outcome.

Ambition. Just how much can I achieve? Honestly, what, if I really put my mind to it, am I capable of achieving? It is so easy to get embroiled into an elaborate fantasy of what if’s and How it’s going to be’s. I do find it a major task to not get ahead of myself. But how do we moderate this feeling. Without some ambition we would never get anywhere. The trick is breaking down your goals into small and achievable milestones. Have an overall outcome in the back of your mind, the ultimate destination, but from what I have learnt so far, it is the journey and the checkpoints we reach along the way that are the most enjoyable aspects. Being honest about how and when I will reach these checkpoints ensures that I am not setting myself up to fail. So what is my ambition? I have several mini goals, but I am being realistic about their achievability. I want to carve out some semblance of a porn career, I want to develop a fetish clothing brand and I want to write some literature.  I hope to be making good progress on all counts by the time I reach 40.

Education. I would like to think that I am somewhat educated, certainly from an academic point of view. As for an education of the greater world, in all honesty I will never stop learning. Life is so multi dimensional and there are so many levels of development. Personal, social, sexual, friendships, philosophical. I feel like a sponge at the moment. I have never felt so receptive and wired to gaining new life experience and educating myself about as many facets of life as possible. The university of life seems a hell of a lot more important to me right now than any academic institution ever has.

Time. This is a finite parameter. Only so many hours in a day, days in a week, weeks in a year… my perception of time seems to be altering as my own biological clock ticks on… My perception is that time is running out. In all honesty, I have about 30-35 years left. I have lived out half my life already! Have I wasted the past 36 years? Hell no. Without the culmination of all those experiences I would not be where I am today. I would not have the education, the ambition or the sense of self awareness that has brought to this juncture. Living with HIV does also alter your perceptions of time. It creates an added sense of urgency. It niggles in the back of your mind that time is more precious than it used to once be. But I don’t see time as the enemy. It is an ally to be harnessed and respected. Managing what time I have left has therefore become a priority of great importance. I have so much I want to do and see and experience. Finding the time to fit it all in is a challenge, but managing it with honesty makes the task so much easier.

Creative vision. I certainly have plenty of that. To the point that I feel like I am going a bit nuts at times. I see the world with such a renewed enthusiasm. There are so many opportunities to exploit, adapt and develop my ideas for the benefit of both myself and others. I have never had such a level of clarity. Getting my ideas to become a reality is a challenge though and are embroiled so much with the previous points: Time; Money; Ambition. I know I am a bit of a dreamer, but to harness my innovation into something real would honestly be the most amazing thing I can achieve on a personal level! The key here is believing in myself. If I can believe in my own ideas then others will follow suit.

Motivation. Honestly, I find it hard to push myself. But knowing where I want to be and what I want to achieve has become a great driving force in my life now. Nobody else is going to hand me anything on a silver platter. If I am going to make this work then I need to get off my ass and do it myself! I get lots of support from friends and this is also a great source of motivation. Not that I am doing this for them, but knowing that they want me to succeed is a marvelous incentive.

Confidence.  How do we measure this? I know some people who are so confident in their beliefs that they come across as arrogant cocks! I don’t want to be seen as the cocky prick. But I would like to feel confident in myself that the decisions that I make are correct and based on sound judgment. Of course, we can never be 100% confident that what we are doing is the right thing, but I am aware of this, and honest with myself about it.

Willingness to take a risk. I think I have demonstrated this with a little too much fervor over the past several years. I have taken stupid risks and nearly paid for them with my life. But what I have learnt from that risk taking behavior is that I am not happy to toe the line. I feel that personal development and life experience is gained significantly from risk taking. Sometimes you have to blindly leap from one stone to the next. Without these leaps of danger and faith we just stagnate. I am not happy to sit in the same pond, festering with all the same fish and weeds for the rest of my life. I want to see as many ponds and rivers and lakes and oceans as possible and without being willing to jump across the void to those new opportunities I will never achieve this. However I now have an honest objective outlook on how to manage these risks. No point in jumping into a situation that I know is going to leave me utterly out of my depth. So I no longer blindly take risks. I like to be able to see, even if its just a limited perspective, the destination before I go diving headlong into something new.

So being honest with myself is a great feeling of comfort. It is giving me a template to live life in a more constructed way. But furthermore, it enables me to judge just how honest others are being with themselves and ultimately determine how honest they are likely to be with me. We all have our reasons to deceive those around us. Perfect honesty is a kind of illusion. If we laid all of our cards on the table all of the time we would never win any games and would hold no mystery. But the key is to only withhold strategic information which will not be of detriment to both yourself and others. Nobody likes a liar, and in the end they always get caught out in one way or another. But just how economical with the truth should we be in our interactions? At what point does a white lie become a big fat one? This question has me in a quandary. I try and be as honest with all my answers as possible. But sometimes this can lead to a negative outcome. However, is it not better to cause negativity and have a clear conscience than to knowingly deceive to maintain the status quo? From my perspective, I think in general the answer is yes. But there are caviats. My Gran doesn’t know I have HIV, she doesn’t need to know. If she asked me outright, in all honesty, I would lie to her. She is too old to have to deal with the worry and stress. On the same token my Kids do not know either. This is because they are too young to know. Does the guy I am about to fuck know? Most definitely! My obligation to him is different as my status has the potential to directly affect his health. I could lie to him, but in all honesty, I couldn’t live with myself for this kind of deception.  I am going to end this entry with a poem I wrote a year ago called Honesty Policy as I feel it is appropriate

I can see the rim

Just out of reach.

I’ve been digging so long now,

The only place left to go

Is deeper down

Below.

The sun is setting below the lip

And as the shadows stretch

To match the length of my lies

I momentarily close my eyes

And let the blackness of my mind

Sooth me for a while.

For there is a great peace in not seeing.

Relief of the pain bleeding from the webs of my deceit.

It was not my aim to cause you any pain.

So I played this game, you see:

Playing my cards to our table

Till my hand was left open.

Exposed to my own stack of backed up shit!

Unable to sustain the tapestry of my misdoings:

Woven into a great stained carpet

And i’m running out of furniture to hide the marks.

Running into ruin.

Covers over covers over lovers.

Falsifying fumbles with fantastic tales.

Tall stories told straight from the sphere

Lolling atop a curved and insubstantial spine.

It started small, but I cant stop.

Digging here, sleeping there

Sneaking, creeping and all along

Unbelieving, almost deceiving myself!

I don’t want to do this anymore

But I’m addicted!

Just once more is no bigger crime

Than all those times gone before.

But i’m afflicted!

Constantly tripping over the stumps

And lumps covering up my previous.

I should go down for this.

I should plead guilty.

I should stop digging deeper.

I should, but I wont, until I’m caught.

I can see the rim

Just out of reach.

I’ve been digging so long now

The only place left to go

Is deeper down

Below.

Grindr for the Healthy and Clean

Firstly, before I continue with my blog can I plug a link to the photo exhibition which I did a shoot for a few weeks ago and mentioned in my last installment:

http://standtallgetsnapped30hivpeople.tumblr.com

I hope you can make it along to the exhibition or maybe even take part somehow?

I would like to talk about the power of language. The words that we use define us as individuals. Some of us fucking swear excessively. Some of us, like,  use the same word, like,  in sentences all the time, like,  even when it like has no context, like. Some of us are very obtuse, brash and wield words like a sledgehammer, whilst others are highly diplomatic and conscientious of the impact of what they say.  Words have destroyed businesses, like Gerald Ratner of Ratners High Street Jewelers saying how the decanters they sold were so cheap because they were “crap”.  Words can highlight the sheer stupidity of supposed great men in places of immense power such as George W Bush and his fool me once shame on you fuck up speech. As a result of manipulated and inaccurate words in a scientific paper published in the Lancet in 1998, tens of millions of pounds were spent on litigation cases and thousands of children suffered needlessly from measles and mumps. Yes, words can have dire implications indeed.

The nineteenth century school playground rhyme “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” was conjured up to try and minimize the negative impact of name calling and taunting. However, Having suffered from physical, emotional and psychological traumas at various points over the 36 years I have walked the earth I have to say that it is the words, the emotional and psychological assaults and injuries that have caused the most significant scarring. If only I was a stoical as some of those Victorian children eh. The wrong words can lead to depression, self doubt, self loathing, self harm even suicide. We are all aware of Bullying and the impact it can have on individuals and in our modern era of multiple methods of communication, bullying can be inflicted as a multi faceted attack. Facebook, text messages, smartphone applications, emails and phone calls. I have to agree that the pen is very much mightier than the sword, but the keyboard is even mightier! Anyway, enough of this rant, I need to say where it is going.

Something happened to me today. Something which really gets up my nose. I logged into Grindr on my iphone while I was on my tacho Break. Grindr is one of  several social networking app’s for gay men to chat, swap photos and hook up.  The app consists of many different guys profiles which contain a “family safe” photo of choice, basic stats and a brief paragraph of their own choosing.  The app then searches for all the other guys who are logged on or have recently logged on in your vicinity and displays how far away they are from you. It is elegantly simple and effective, in theory. The interesting thing about these kinds of app is that they seem to have evolved their own social etiquettes outside the realms of normal social communication. The fact that you have literally hundreds of guys at your fingertips kind of opens up a limitless opportunity to virtually cruise for gratuitous sex.

Some guys initiate a conversation conventionally with a “hi” or a “how’s it going”. This kind of conversation has the potential to blossom into something interesting. A drawn out tennis game of small talk or become a convoluted waltz of flirtation, platitudes and direct or indirect personal questions and answers. Others start the conversation with single words such as “Hot”, “Fit” “Woof” or “Oink”. These openings are meant to pander to your narcissistic side and elicit a response of thanks and potential reciprocation. This type of direct approach indicates that the guy is less likely to be looking for a chat and more likely to be feeling horny and wanting to empty his balls. Amazing how you can read so much information from the first word of a conversation with a complete random stranger.  Some guys open a conversation by sending you a dirty pic. One of their cock, or arse or of them being fucked or sucking a cock. Personally I find this approach a bit offensive. I mean, as nice as it is to be sent a random photo out of the blue of something filthy, I actually like the art of conversation and am a lot more turned on by what is going on inside a guys head than how big his cock is.

Another opening approach the single word: “Pix?” or “Cockpic?” or “Arsepic?” I find these opening lines both unbelievably rude and seriously immature. Yes I have pics. I have loads. However, I also have manners. I also have a personality. I also have a bit more about me than just a pic of my anatomy. It is not my job to educate these lads on their social skills but sometimes I cant help myself and launch into a tirade of questioning their upbringing and dilution of the genetic pool from their geographical place of origin and if they had managed to obtain a GCSE in English. Most of the time it just goes over their head and they just come back at me with the same question but with a please on the end. “Ok I get you, cockpic please?” At which point I am usually screaming at my phone screen.

There are also the 3 most predictable questions that invariably 95% of guys will always ask:

1.     What you into?

2.     What you looking for?

3.     You Top or Bottom?

These questions are now so predictable that they have almost become a cliché!

 I dunno what I am into. It is different depending on who I am playing with. With some guys I might be into snogging, with others I may be into Piss…. How on earth am I meant to answer this question to a complete stranger? My usual answer is “everything” which throws the ball back into their court.

What am I looking for? Well I am on a gay hook up app on my phone… I can pretty much guarantee that I am looking for the same as 95% of all the other guys logged into grindr at this present moment!

Am I top or Bottom? See the answer to question 1!

Some guys are completely hypocritical. They have a blank photo or one of just their torso or a big toe or their cat or their car or of a sunset or something fluffy and yet they have written on their profile page “No facepic: No chat”. What the fuck? What is this ‘Do as I say not as I do’ bullshit?

There was a bit of an incident several months back when a buddy of mine in Canada had his Grindr profile censored because he stated his HIV status on his profile page. This caused uproar amongst many groups on the internet and created a lot of negative publicity for Grindr. Many guys were outraged. Many emailed Grindr directly, including myself and many guys simultaneously started to put their HIV status onto their profile pages. Personally I never heard anything back from Grindr but I have not heard of any other cases of grindr censoring a profile that is stating the owners status. This kind of discrimination by a large player in the gay dating business like Grindr is seriously unacceptable. Hopefully they realised that it is irresponsible of them to not allow somebody to advertise their status.  Not to mention the fact that, at least here, in the UK, HIV is covered under the disability discrimination act. Being open and honest about your status on such profiles reduces stigma and allows guys to make informed choices about the kind of sex they want to have. I think we are most definitely at a point in the HIV epidemic where we are very aware that secrecy and hiding behind fear is one of the contributing factors to the proliferation of the virus.

One of the features of Grindr is that you can block somebody if you do not like them. This means you can no longer see their profile and they can no longer see yours. This is a handy feature for if you are, for instance, being stalked or a guy doesn’t get the message that you are not interested. To block somebody because of those reasons is perfectly reasonable. However. Some guys use the block button to end a conversation if you don’t quite measure up to their expectations or are not precisely what they are looking for in a shag.

Q. Are you Top?

A. No. I’m vers m8… like to get as good as I give

BLOCK

Q. Are you hung?

A. about 7” uncut

BLOCK

Q. You looking to fuck m8?

A. Not right this minute. Maybe later…

BLOCK

I find this so unbelievably rude. I mean you wouldn’t do this in a bar or a club so what makes it acceptable in an app? However, I am guilty of doing this very thing today. But I think I was justified in my action.

The conversation went something like this:

Him: Are you Top?

Me: I’m Vers

Him: So you like fucking?

Me: I am not averse to it….

Him: Do you fuck bareback?

Me: I prefer to yes

Him: Are you clean?

Me: What do you mean?

Him: Are you healthy?

Me: Oh, Yes, I shower regularly and I go to the gym often

Him: But are you free from disease.

Me: are you?

Him: Yes. As of 2 weeks ago. I didn’t mean to offend.

Me: Yes I am poz and clean (undetectable) and healthy. And yes you have offended me.

BLOCK

I don’t think it would have served any greater purpose to have continued the conversation. Was I right to just end the conversation with a BLOCK? I was so fucking angry! I hate it when people refer to HIV positive people as unclean, unhealthy or diseased. These words are very powerful, deeply offensive and stigmatising! Yes I have a blood bourn virus but it is well managed with medication and I am physically healthier than I have been since I was in high school! Is he free from disease? Yes he may have had a recent full STI screening but is he free from cancer or heart disease or Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s? Ok, I rarely wear deodorant because I personally hate the smell and kinda like the smell of my own manly body odour. However, I shower once or twice or sometimes 3 times a day. I also douche if I think I am gonna be fucked… Cleanliness is quite high on my agenda.

We are free to choose the words that we use when we interact with others. But please be aware of the potentially negative connotations associated with certain words. Freedom of speech is something we hold in high regard. But using language responsibly takes more effort than you might think. 

30 years: How much have we moved on?

I have recently been to London to do a photo project for the 30th anniversary of HIV being officially recognised. 30 positive people being photographed doing everyday things. 30 things which are poignant moments on their journeys with HIV. Myself, I chose to document my journey to and from the clinic. I was photographed on the top of a bus. The experience of being photographed on an empty top deck of a double decker bus was both exciting and exhilarating. People on other busses and on the street were looking and pointing with curiosity. I will admit, I am more than a bit of a show off. But thinking of what this photo session was for, remembering what it was symbolizing for me did touch a few raw nerves inside. I have been asked to write a short statement to be displayed below my photo in the exhibition. Here is what I have come up with: 

“Something had changed that day on the bus. It was the same driver who had taken me and brought me back, but I was not the same passenger. Over time you learn to accept the virus as just a simple fact of life, but the journey HIV takes you on is one of segregation, guilt, secrecy and depression. But it’s not all bad. My journey is also one of hope, family, community and strength. I am rediscovering myself as a consequence of HIV. I openly share my experiences online.  I volunteer my time to help those elsewhere on their journey and I never again feel I need to hide because of who I am or what I have. I have a wonderful partner, fantastic children and amazing friends. Without these things I would not have made it to where I am on my journey. HIV is something we must fight together, not on our own.”

This journey had been one of great anxiety, and symbolised a great change in my life. On my way to the clinic I had felt the same as everybody else on the bus. On my way back I felt fundamentally different. I was no longer just me. I was now me plus something else. This was the first feeling of alienation that I had experienced from my status change. If I, as a positive person could feel such a strong feeling of difference and change so early on into my life with the virus then is there any wonder there is so much stigma attached to being HIV positive. 

Personally, I had felt uncomfortable and awkward around positive people back in the early 90’s. I had felt fear and anxiety when watching films like Philadelphia and when hearing of the Freddie Mercury’s and Kenny Everetts succumbing to the virus. But I thought I had rationalised my fear in the ensuing decades. I thought I had stopped seeing HIV as something to be scared of. I had educated myself and mixed with many positive people. However, in this instance, I was discovering than being forewarned is not necessarily being forearmed. I had now discovered that the reality of being told you yourself was HIV positive was very different. Nothing could have prepared me for these feelings. My mind was racing and yet, at the same time I felt utterly numb. This was November 2009. This was a time in the history of the epidemic where there was so much hope. There was so much support. There was so much medical knowledge and yet I still felt like I had been given my death sentence. So many people had been through so much. So many had lost their lives. So many had suffered, been shunned, been rejected, been left to die alone. HIV had been wreaking havoc across the planet for over two and a half decades but only now was I truly understanding the stark reality of it. I was now part of that statistic.

This number, 30, the more that I think about it the more upsetting it is. For over 30 years people have been dying from this virus. For over 30 years people have been living in fear of social stigma. Living in fear of rejection. Living in fear of prosecution. In the UK, HIV is now seen as a chronic illness. Something that is treatable. I am more likely to die of lung cancer or terminal boredom from atrocious daytime TV or from fast food fuelled hardening of the arteries than I am from HIV. The mortal implications of HIV in the west have waned now. We are more impacted by the social and psychological impacts of living with the virus. This fact is because of medical technology. The marvels of modern medical science are keeping us alive. Keeping us with our loved ones. But they are also keeping the pockets of large pharmaceutical companies very well lined. HIV is big business! 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not ungrateful. I think that modern treatments for HIV are amazing! They are serving to not only prolong the lives of those living with the virus but also halt any further spread of it. Treatment is now seen and is being adopted as a very credible and effective strategy in the fight against the spread of HIV. You see, if your on medication (MEDS) then it works by stopping the virus from being able to replicate inside your body. After a short period, usually several months, your body cleans up all the free virus in your blood stream. This is not a cure! Effectively you still have the virus hiding inside your body, but there is little or no free virus floating about inside you. This has 2 major consequences. Firstly, you are no longer under constant attack by the virus and so your immune system is no longer stressed. Secondly, you have no virus to be passed on, making you effectively non-infective. The term as an infection control strategy is called TAP (Treatment as prevention). Here in the UK, treatment is free. Technically you will have to wait until you have had HIV for a while before meds are offered but in theory you should be able to ask to go onto meds as soon as you are told you are HIV positive.  It is a big decision as you will be on meds for the rest of your life, taking a pill (s) every day, but the sooner you begin the less long term damage there is to your immune system and the less likely you are to pass on the virus. 

Sadly, this is only the situation in a handful of countries. HIV treatment is not freely available everywhere and in many places across the globe it is still very much a terminal disease. There are still places where I cannot visit because of my status. There are still places where HIV is seen with revulsion and hatred and fear. Here in England we are taught to accept and not judge. To overcome difference and segregation and bigotry. We pride ourselves on this. But this has only arisen as a result of our developed government, health service, educational standards, secularism and welfare state. It is easy for us to have our perceptions blurred by the bubble of our own making, looking out onto a world of suffering, hunger and disadvantage. I would like to think that in the next 30 years HIV will be a thing of the past. An episode in our history which we have leant many lessons from: medical, moral and social. But going off the way I felt when I found out about my HIV. Going off how HIV is still affecting disadvantaged parts of the world. Going off the relative price of HIV medication and the current state of the worlds economy. Going off the promotion of criminalisation of HIV in European countries such as Sweden and Norway. Going off how new cases of HIV in the UK are increasing in numbers year on year I cant help but feel that things are going to get worse before they get better. 

Time waits for no man

I would like to talk about time.

To me, time seems like a bit of an insane concept of mans own making. Almost a currency. We barter our time with each other and the environment. As a child we perceive time as an eternal and immortal concept: We understand death from the ants that we crush; we accept old people as something alien to how we perceive existence. Time for a child, so it seems, is cheap. As those hormones and social pressures build and manifest, our perception of time gradually speeds up. Summer holidays appear shorter. The time between birthdays feels faster. The drive to achieve something kicks in. You slowly start to get the idea that time is a bit of an enemy. I must finish this assignment by June. I must lose my virginity this summer. I have to swim with the dolphins and climb up Matchu Pichu before I am 40. I have to finish the ironing before my husband gets home. These things all demand our time. Mundane or magical, everything that we do, want to do or hope to do is a burden on our precious allocation of time. A span which, lets face it, in the grand scheme of things is so insignificant that we are just a micro-spasm on the lifecycle of the universe. As an adult, time becomes expensive.

The concept of time bartering is a way of controlling this perception. If you have enough money and power and charismatic skill you can purchase the time of other individuals. Employ them to do the things that you don’t want to do but will directly improve your own state of being and potentially alter your own perception of time. Time flies when you’re having fun. But as children, the good times seemed to shine brightly as golden moments in our pasts. These memories, these snippets are fixed as eternal beacons in time. To be able to continue filling your life with golden memory after golden memory, with no drudgery is the aspiration of the majority of our species.

The one thing we all have that can be taken away from us is time. A man, convicted for a crime pays by spending his time in isolation from the majority of the rest of the world and society. Though the ultimate is murder or the death penalty. As social and mortal creatures this is really the only valuable commodity that we are all born with. But we are not all allotted the same amount of time. The stretch that we get is ordered and controlled by a complex mixture of genetics and environmental factors. Some are more predisposed to cancer than others. Some have addictive personalities. Some are risk averse and some are risk takers. To a lesser extent we have some control over these variables. But the sub-conscious, biology and the concept of luck are capable of throwing some very sneaky curve balls at us. Do we self sabotage? Will we be run over by a number 47 bus? Will we acquire HIV or diabetes? Or will we simply spend 40 years on a drip and life support machine suspended in unconscious oblivion and disconnected from the physical world?

The understanding of this concept of time as a commodity purveys our lives. What a waste of time that was or you might just finish something in the nick of time. And the sad thing is that we are so involved in our own lives and in the routine of day to day living that a lot of the time we don’t even realize that time is moving on. It is only the day you notice the first crows feet round your eyes or the odd grey hairs or the slight shortness of breath after climbing the stairs that you get a quick reminder that time is a ticking.

For me, getting HIV was a very sharp slap in the face and wake up call to my own limited existence. You suddenly realize that you are one day going to die. You suddenly have a potential candidate of how you might go. One minute you are blissfully ambling along, just getting on with life. The next you are hit with the stark reality of your own mortality. And you cant help, even if it is just a fleeting thought of a subconscious musing, but to think that you have caused this yourself. That you have added a further complication and constraint on your finite allotment of time. This is a rather sobering, overwhelming and daunting realisation. Many different patterns of though start to evolve from this spark of knowledge.

I must eat healthier

I must stop smoking

I must fuck as many people as I can because whats the worst that will happen to me now?

I must stop fucking any other people because I don’t want to pass this on.

I must leave some kind of legacy

I must take more time to look after me.

The list goes on and on. I guess this is something which humans are very good at. If the situation changes you evolve your approach to achieve the most desirable outcome. We are very efficient like that. But for me, I have recently had some uncomfortable brushes with time.

2 weeks ago I turned 36. Now on the surface this age doesn’t appear to be such a big issue. But I had a particularly negative idea appear in my head: If I live to be 70, which going off the mortality rates of men in my family is probably not a distinct possibility, then I have now lived out the first half of my life. I am now on the second half. The growing old half. The slide to death half. This idea caused a feeling of panic. A sense of urgency has begun to swell. If I am going to achieve anything good and great from my life then I had better pull my finger out and do something before I am dribbling into my incontinence pads. The second brush with time I have recently had is noticing the rapid changes in my kids. They seem to be growing up very VERY quickly! My daughter is changing into a young woman. My eldest son is going to start high school this year. Their self expressions of culture, music taste and fashion etc are taking form to become distinct and independent. Though your role as a parent never ends, the function as a mentor and life coach becomes less and less significant as your own children mature into adults themselves. In a way, time is running out for me to be that guide for them. Though I would like to think they will always look to me as a source of impartiality and support but once they are all grown up their ability to make their own decisions becomes self sufficient.

For now however, I think I have spent enough time writing this. After all, I have lots of other stuff to be doing too and time waits for no man.