Honesty Policy
Honesty is a curious facet of human nature. Being honest with
ourselves is possibly one of the hardest steps into adulthood we make. Some
people never manage to get to the point in their lives where they can
objectively look at their goals, behaviors, social interactions and
expectations. Some people learn this skill from a very early age. For me,
learning to know my own limitations and carve out something which I know and
feel to be a true representation of who I am, which I can both trust and rely upon
was an advancement which only came about fairly recently. Being Honest with
yourself can be daunting, brutal and at times a little soul destroying. But the
rewards and benefits of not knowingly deceiving oneself far out way the
pitfalls.
If I am honest with myself it makes it a lot easier for me to be
honest with everybody else. Everybody else’s expectations of me fundamentally
hinge on their perceptions of how I interact with my own environment. If I set
myself unrealistic goals then, these may not be obvious to me but from an
external perspective, not only can I be seen to be setting myself up to fail,
but also will cloud others judgment on how I understand my own limitations. But
what is it that limits us? Is it money? Ambition? Education? Time? Creative
vision? Motivation? Confidence? Willingness to take risk? All of these things
are within our control and are things we can either change or learn to manage
more effectively.
Money. This is something which is on the minds of many of us at the
moment. Times are hard indeed. Jobs are scarce. Prices are rising and
especially here in Europe, there is a feeling of impending economic disaster.
How honest are the governments, banks and financial institutions actually being
with us. So many of us, including myself, are in some level of debt. Cashflow
therefore becomes something of great importance and just keeping our heads
above water is a struggle for a lot. But in reality, just how bad really is it.
We are still addicted to the capitalist idea that consumption is the most
desirable statement of our own prosperity. So, decisions have to be made. Do I
really need to upgrade my phone? Do I really have to pay my bills this month?
Is it necessary to buy those Butt Plugs I have had my eye on or get some custom
fitted leather chaps? Most of the stuff we do actually buy feels like a
manufactured want instead of a genuine requirement. I feel that I have come out
of a phase of buying into what the commercial market wants me to buy and only
aspire to get the things that I actually want and need. Frivolous spending
habits are indeed an indulgence of the past. Being honest with myself about
what I want, need and require to move forward with a lifestyle that suits my
current needs has been a very big step for me, but I am seeing it as a
evolutionary function: If I don’t evolve my spending habits then financial
extinction is going to be the outcome.
Ambition. Just how much can I achieve? Honestly, what, if I really
put my mind to it, am I capable of achieving? It is so easy to get embroiled
into an elaborate fantasy of what if’s and How it’s going to be’s. I do find it
a major task to not get ahead of myself. But how do we moderate this feeling.
Without some ambition we would never get anywhere. The trick is breaking down
your goals into small and achievable milestones. Have an overall outcome in the
back of your mind, the ultimate destination, but from what I have learnt so
far, it is the journey and the checkpoints we reach along the way that are the
most enjoyable aspects. Being honest about how and when I will reach these
checkpoints ensures that I am not setting myself up to fail. So what is my
ambition? I have several mini goals, but I am being realistic about their
achievability. I want to carve out some semblance of a porn career, I want to
develop a fetish clothing brand and I want to write some literature. I hope to be making good progress on all
counts by the time I reach 40.
Education. I would like to think that I am somewhat educated,
certainly from an academic point of view. As for an education of the greater
world, in all honesty I will never stop learning. Life is so multi dimensional
and there are so many levels of development. Personal, social, sexual, friendships,
philosophical. I feel like a sponge at the moment. I have never felt so
receptive and wired to gaining new life experience and educating myself about
as many facets of life as possible. The university of life seems a hell of a
lot more important to me right now than any academic institution ever has.
Time. This is a finite parameter. Only so many hours in a day, days
in a week, weeks in a year… my perception of time seems to be altering as my
own biological clock ticks on… My perception is that time is running out. In
all honesty, I have about 30-35 years left. I have lived out half my life
already! Have I wasted the past 36 years? Hell no. Without the culmination of
all those experiences I would not be where I am today. I would not have the
education, the ambition or the sense of self awareness that has brought to this
juncture. Living with HIV does also alter your perceptions of time. It creates
an added sense of urgency. It niggles in the back of your mind that time is
more precious than it used to once be. But I don’t see time as the enemy. It is
an ally to be harnessed and respected. Managing what time I have left has
therefore become a priority of great importance. I have so much I want to do
and see and experience. Finding the time to fit it all in is a challenge, but
managing it with honesty makes the task so much easier.
Creative vision. I certainly have plenty of that. To the point that
I feel like I am going a bit nuts at times. I see the world with such a renewed
enthusiasm. There are so many opportunities to exploit, adapt and develop my
ideas for the benefit of both myself and others. I have never had such a level
of clarity. Getting my ideas to become a reality is a challenge though and are
embroiled so much with the previous points: Time; Money; Ambition. I know I am
a bit of a dreamer, but to harness my innovation into something real would
honestly be the most amazing thing I can achieve on a personal level! The key
here is believing in myself. If I can believe in my own ideas then others will
follow suit.
Motivation. Honestly, I find it hard to push myself. But knowing
where I want to be and what I want to achieve has become a great driving force
in my life now. Nobody else is going to hand me anything on a silver platter.
If I am going to make this work then I need to get off my ass and do it myself!
I get lots of support from friends and this is also a great source of
motivation. Not that I am doing this for them, but knowing that they want me to
succeed is a marvelous incentive.
Confidence. How do we measure
this? I know some people who are so confident in their beliefs that they come
across as arrogant cocks! I don’t want to be seen as the cocky prick. But I
would like to feel confident in myself that the decisions that I make are correct
and based on sound judgment. Of course, we can never be 100% confident that
what we are doing is the right thing, but I am aware of this, and honest with
myself about it.
Willingness to take a risk. I think I have demonstrated this with a
little too much fervor over the past several years. I have taken stupid risks
and nearly paid for them with my life. But what I have learnt from that risk
taking behavior is that I am not happy to toe the line. I feel that personal
development and life experience is gained significantly from risk taking. Sometimes
you have to blindly leap from one stone to the next. Without these leaps of
danger and faith we just stagnate. I am not happy to sit in the same pond,
festering with all the same fish and weeds for the rest of my life. I want to
see as many ponds and rivers and lakes and oceans as possible and without being
willing to jump across the void to those new opportunities I will never achieve
this. However I now have an honest objective outlook on how to manage these
risks. No point in jumping into a situation that I know is going to leave me
utterly out of my depth. So I no longer blindly take risks. I like to be able
to see, even if its just a limited perspective, the destination before I go
diving headlong into something new.
So being honest with myself is a great feeling of comfort. It is
giving me a template to live life in a more constructed way. But furthermore,
it enables me to judge just how honest others are being with themselves and
ultimately determine how honest they are likely to be with me. We all have our
reasons to deceive those around us. Perfect honesty is a kind of illusion. If
we laid all of our cards on the table all of the time we would never win any
games and would hold no mystery. But the key is to only withhold strategic
information which will not be of detriment to both yourself and others. Nobody
likes a liar, and in the end they always get caught out in one way or another.
But just how economical with the truth should we be in our interactions? At
what point does a white lie become a big fat one? This question has me in a
quandary. I try and be as honest with all my answers as possible. But sometimes
this can lead to a negative outcome. However, is it not better to cause
negativity and have a clear conscience than to knowingly deceive to maintain
the status quo? From my perspective, I think in general the answer is yes. But there
are caviats. My Gran doesn’t know I have HIV, she doesn’t need to know. If she
asked me outright, in all honesty, I would lie to her. She is too old to have
to deal with the worry and stress. On the same token my Kids do not know
either. This is because they are too young to know. Does the guy I am about to
fuck know? Most definitely! My obligation to him is different as my status has
the potential to directly affect his health. I could lie to him, but in all
honesty, I couldn’t live with myself for this kind of deception. I am going to end this entry with a poem I
wrote a year ago called Honesty Policy as I feel it is appropriate
I can see the rim
Just out of reach.
I’ve been digging
so long now,
The only place
left to go
Is deeper down
Below.
The sun is setting
below the lip
And as the shadows
stretch
To match the
length of my lies
I momentarily
close my eyes
And let the
blackness of my mind
Sooth me for a
while.
For there is a
great peace in not seeing.
Relief of the pain
bleeding from the webs of my deceit.
It was not my aim
to cause you any pain.
So I played this
game, you see:
Playing my cards
to our table
Till my hand was
left open.
Exposed to my own
stack of backed up shit!
Unable to sustain
the tapestry of my misdoings:
Woven into a great
stained carpet
And i’m running
out of furniture to hide the marks.
Running into ruin.
Covers over covers
over lovers.
Falsifying fumbles
with fantastic tales.
Tall stories told
straight from the sphere
Lolling atop a
curved and insubstantial spine.
It started small,
but I cant stop.
Digging here,
sleeping there
Sneaking, creeping
and all along
Unbelieving,
almost deceiving myself!
I don’t want to do
this anymore
But I’m addicted!
Just once more is
no bigger crime
Than all those
times gone before.
But i’m afflicted!
Constantly
tripping over the stumps
And lumps covering
up my previous.
I should go down
for this.
I should plead
guilty.
I should stop
digging deeper.
I should, but I
wont, until I’m caught.
I can see the rim
Just out of reach.
I’ve been digging
so long now
The only place
left to go
Is deeper down
Below.
